Dear Myne - My Fiance Has a Daughter with Another Woman
I met my fiancé ten years ago but we only started dating last year, he’s always proposed his intention from the beginning but I was immature then and he’s good looking, and always having girls flocking around. So I told myself I’d rather be his friend than lover, less heartache.
Years gone by and a few relationships later, we decided to give love a chance. Mind you, I’m overseas and he is in Naija. With two failed long-distance relationship under my belt, I like to think I’m a better person for distance relationship. I don’t fancy white men and not enough black men where I reside now.
The problem is my fiancé has a three years old daughter he did not mention in our years of friendship but told me about it few months before I went to Naija for Christmas holiday last year. At first I was disappointed because for once I was truly happy and contented with myself and my relationship and now there is trouble.
However, I forgave him for not telling me earlier and took it in stride. I even defended him even after my parent raised their concerns.
He proposed on Christmas day and we had a small introduction done two weeks after. I love my fiancé, he is a great uncle to his nephews and an amazing friend and supportive partner to me but the fact that he's an absent father to his daughter worries me deeply. I don’t want to marry someone who his financially available but not physically nor emotionally available to my kids.
I have discussed these concerns with him twice but it doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. He says the kid was unplanned and he takes responsibility by giving financial support and that’s about it. I told him I need to see some changes with the relationship with his daughter, I love him dearly but I would not settle for an absent father for our unborn kids.
The child lives with her mother. I'm not going for a full mum position, neither do I want my fiance to get full custody either. But I want him to be more physically and emotionally present - you know attend birthdays, go to the beach and build castle with your kid. That's how I was raised, a father is meant to invest in his kids (money, time, religion, or whatever), maybe I'm just westernized.
Should I be more accepting of his decision or are these red flags I should be worried about to cut of the relationship?