Dear Myne, How can I leave him after 5 Years?


I met my fiance during my first week at university. I had just started attending a private Christian school, one of the best in the country and some of my friends and family members advised me to look out for good young men who were marriage material. That day we met, I was having some problems during my registration and he was one of those helping us. When we struck up a friendship after that, I was so happy to have met such an smart, interesting and best of all, Christian guy so soon.

He was in third year and was the course rep in his class, and he was studying engineering. He was the worship leader and soloist in the choir of our fellowship, and it turned out we attended the same church. Everyone in the church, including the pastor respected him and he was always friendly and respectful.

He was also respectful to me. We started officially dating in my second year when he was in final year and have been together since. We got very close and he proved to be a real Christian and respected my wishes to remain celibate till marriage. We were best friends and everyone knew us together, including our respective families.

When he graduated and went for youth service, it was tough but I had school and my friends to keep me company. He also visited often and luckily, he came back and soon got a job in Lagos. Just before I graduated, he proposed and of course, I said yes. We did a small introduction with just close family before I went for my NYSC. The plan was that we would do the full engagement and wedding after my service.

That year seemed like the longest year of my life. I was supposed to be planning my wedding but I was all the way up north in Zamfara. Also, I started feeling like my relationship to my fiance was not as close as it used to be. I heard he was not as active in the church as he used to be and when I asked him, he was not happy and later said it was because he was very busy at work. That was also his excuse for not calling me more often, or helping me with the wedding planning.

Things improved after I got back a few months ago. We reconciled and went into top gear for the wedding and preparing for married life. I still lived with my parents but visited him often, and sometimes spent weekends. However we still stuck to our celibacy agreement.

Last week, I was over at his and he was late coming home from work. I decided to browse with his laptop and when I opened the browser, an adult x-rated website was open and the video he had been watching was paused. The title was disgusting and when I resumed play, the actions were worse.

I was in shock! When he came back, I didn't say anything but just pointed to the open page on the laptop. He immediately fell to his knees and started begging me. He blamed the devil and asked me to understand. He reminded me that we were abstaining and that he was using that to stop himself from cheating. He confessed too that some of those sites had forums and he sometimes would chat and exchange private pictures and messages with the women on them. It was not a Nigerian site though so he had never met any of them in real life. He promised to stop immediately.

I left soon after and for days after, I never called him and when he called I either did not answer or just greeted him and hung up soon after. His apologies sounded fake and it just wasn't enough. I was numb, our 5 years together appeared to had been all a lie. The Christian man I had been looking forward to marrying was no more and now I had this sex addict. He might not see porn and masturbation and chatting with strange women as cheating, but they were to me. From what I hear about those things, they very difficult to stop and affects who you are.

Also, he would now expect me to be like those women? Who knows what he has imbibed into him by watching those things and how they will affect our marriage if we go ahead. I don't know how to move ahead. If I break up with him, what do I tell our families? If I stay, how can I trust him again?




Elsewhere on the Web