Dear Diary, Sometimes it gets too Hard - Febby

Anita's Diary

Sunday, the 1st of July. 9pm
Dear Diary,

Faking it is getting really tiring!!! You’d think I’d have perfected the act by now, right? Well I haven’t. Instead of getting easier it’s getting more difficult to do. Lifting my hands in church, simple right? Not for me it isn’t, not when I know that my life has not pleased God in a long while. I look around me while I’m in church; everyone seems to be lost in the Spirit (not that you can tell who is faking it, I hope it isn’t easy to tell because mine is so not genuine).

Some kneel, others stand, a few sit; all have their hands stretched to the heavens, their faces rapt in wonder.  What I would give to experience that feeling again. I have been in church for so long that I know the usual advice people give in situations like mine: “Ask God for forgiveness and straighten your path”. Humphh! Easier said than done. How can I ask God for forgiveness when I know I will slip into sin again? I know what he wants from me, total surrender not partial, which seems to be all I can offer. There was a time it wasn’t that difficult to give God everything, a time when lifting my hands in church was very natural, but that was before I met Deji.

Ok, I know that’s not fair. Deji is not the reason my life is a mess right now. He is a great guy, the right kind. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t womanize plus he treats me like a lady, like I said the right kind. There’s just this teeny weenie issue- he loves to make out. I’m not a prude, of course I love making out with him too. When I’m with him I shelve every inner voice that tells me to stop, in fact I ignore every voice in my head, I just feel, and boy do I feel. But when it’s over there’s just shame and regret-apparently not enough shame and regret to prevent a repeat performance. At first, I’d run to God in tears so sure I’d never fall into the same sin again but now I can’t even talk to God like I know I ought to. I feel so guilty and weak, the fact that I know he will not condemn me only makes me feel worse. I don’t think asking for forgiveness is ideal if I am not going to take the necessary steps to ensure that sin doesn’t creep into my life again. <Sigh> How did things get so bad? How I long for the days when the ultimate “sin” I was dealing with was being a smart-ass.

I better get to bed now, have to get up early to prepare that marketing strategy for my boss. Why do I wait till the deadline to do stuff anyway?
Monday, the 2nd of July. 9:23pm
Dear Diary,

I was flipping through your pages just now and I realize that I am beginning to sound like a broken record. I have been whining about my situation with Deji for the past month yet I’m doing nothing different. He comes over on Saturdays and we have all day and all of my room to ourselves, I visit him at his apartment and we hang out till late in the evening, all alone behind closed doors. What in the world is wrong with me? What did I think would happen? I can’t keep hanging around sin and act surprised when I fall into it. I have to do things differently from now. I have to talk to Deji about it; I’m tired of running away from God.
Wednesday, the 4th of July. 10:04pm
Dear Diary,

I talked with Deji today. I’m so blessed to have the best boyfriend in the world, he was so understanding.  We agreed to avoid hanging out in places where we can easily be tempted, and then we prayed. I talked to God in the cab all the way home. It felt so good, the cab driver must have thought I was crazy, I was grinning from ear to ear. I didn’t care, I felt so happy.

Oh and the marketing plan I came up with was awesome, that’s what my boss said and you know how stingy he is with his compliments. Today was the best day ever!
Saturday, the 7th of July. 6pm
Dear Diary,

What was I thinking? Why did I visit him today after all we talked about on Wednesday? I wish I could blame the devil- that’s what people say when they do something bad right? “It was the devil”. Well it wasn’t the devil; it was me being foolish, me thinking I was strong enough to resist sin. At least now I know why the bible says “Let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall” I fell alright, and now I feel even worse than ever. I guess that’s why God tells us to flee from sin. The poor guy, I couldn’t even look at him let alone talk to him after. He must feel so bad. I cried all the way home.

It’s not fair! How come other girls get to make out without feeling guilty? Why is my conscience over efficient? I’m tired of feeling this way. I don’t think I should go to church tomorrow.
Sunday, the 8th of July. 9:00pm
Dear Diary,

I ended up going to church today. It was like Pastor Ken was reading my life like a mail! I actually looked sideways during the sermon; it felt like everyone was staring at me with judgmental eyes. He gave an altar call for people who had fallen out with God and wanted to make their wrongs right again. I know I should have gone forward but I just couldn’t. I said my prayers where I sat, God is everywhere right?

I talked to Deji after church. We agreed not to visit each other during the weekends. I hope our resolution works out this time around.
Saturday, the 14th of July. 9:54pm
Dear Diary,

This week was hectic at work! My boss asked me to supervise the marketing campaign since it was my idea, I had to travel to Port-Harcourt and Lagos to meet with some potential sponsors. I usually don’t mind travelling but with the air crash that happened last month I was quite wary.

The resolution Deji and I made seems to be working. Although we had barely seen each other all week we agreed it was best we didn’t visit each other today. I guess we could have hung out at the cinema or at an eatery but we are both broke so I spent my Saturday cleaning my room and watching movies on my laptop.

I prayed again today, I was tentative at first but then I remembered that God doesn’t hold grudges. I even read Romans 7 and 8, if apostle Paul could struggle with sin, I guess there is hope for me.
Saturday, the 21st of July. 8:16pm
Dear Diary,

There is no hope for me. I felt like being with Deji today so I went to his place. We talked about it and agreed to keep our hands to ourselves. I was so impressed with my self-restraint. But then we just had to watch the Bride of Chucky. What was I doing snuggling up to him in the first place? If I was so scared I should have turned off the TV! I placed my head on his chest, then he started to play with my hair-you know how that turns me on… Do I have to spell it out?

I thought we had left this place. Why do I keep coming back to this? It’s like a cycle of sin, self pity and sin again. I miss talking to God. I miss my best friend. He’s the only friend I’ve had that has never judged or condemned me. The only friend who has never held on to the hurtful things I sometimes do. The only friend who has never turned me away in disappointment, disgust or anger. My friend, my teacher, companion, confidant and love- The Holy Spirit.

<Frown> Why are drops of water falling on your pages? I think I’m crying! Oh God, why am I crying? I really should stop writing, the tears are pouring in torrents now, I can barely see, plus they are smearing the ink.
Sunday, the 22nd of July. 10:51pm
Dear Diary,

I’m beginning to think Pastor Ken is spying on me. I mean, what are the odds that a Pastor would preach similar messages twice in a month? He went on and on about how Hebrews 12:1 says we should get rid of every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that easily trips us up. For some reason I thought about me and Deji when he said that. Then he went on to quote 1st Corinthians 6:18-20, about how we should flee from sexual sin because our body isn’t ours.

I can’t keep falling into this sin. I think God orchestrated today’s sermon for me. He probably wants me to know that my body isn’t mine or Deji’s but his. I think I know why I cried yesterday, I think I have to take break up with Deji. OMG! I can’t believe I just wrote that. I can’t break up with him! I love him. It’s late, I think lack of sleep is getting to me.
Wednesday, the 25th of July. 8:34pm
Dear Diary,

I’m sorry I have been avoiding writing in you. I’m trying to avoid writing any other stupid thing. What was I thinking? I can’t break up with him. We are great together, he’s crazy about me, my parents love him, and my friends think I’m lucky. I know he loves God. The only dark cloud in our relationship is this making out/sex thing and we can work that out. Ok, I know I’ve said that before but how is breaking up with him going to solve anything? This is why I didn’t want to write anything today. I don’t even want to think about it.
Thursday, the 26th of July. 8:57pm
Dear Diary,

I can’t stop thinking about it. What if this is what I need to do to get my relationship with God back on track? Isn’t placing my love for Deji ahead of my walk with God what the bible refers to as idolatry? I’m too scared to pray about it, what if God tells me I need to break up with him? Oh no! Not the tears again.
Friday, the 27th of July. 10:39pm
Dear Diary,

Deji has been giving me questioning looks. I think he suspects that I’m worrying about something. I don’t want to end my relationship with Deji, why can’t I get this thought out of my head.
Saturday, the 28th of July. 7:29pm
Dear Diary,

I told Deji that we needed space. I didn’t intend to. He came over for lunch around 2pm, we gisted for a while then the inevitable… When it was over, I sat on the bed and thought about my life. I must have looked scary sitting down with a faraway look because he kept asking me what was wrong. I blurted it out. I hate myself for the look on his face when I said it. I told him I didn’t mean to say it, that I was just tired of slipping up all the time. We talked about it and decided (again) not to hangout during the weekend. Maybe I am being pessimistic but I don’t think we can stop.
Sunday, the 29th of July. 6:19pm
Dear Diary,

Today’s sermon was about trusting God. For some reason I thought about me and Deji. I know God’s plans for me are even better than my plans for myself. If he says I need a break from Deji, shouldn’t I trust that he knows what is best for me? I prayed about Deji before we started dating and I know I got the green light, maybe we just need space for now. I think I have to break up with him.

Oh my God! What if I never find another guy who loves me as Deji does? How sure am I that I know what God’s will on this matter is? Why am I crying? I am not breaking up with Deji.
Monday, the 30th of July. 8:00pm
Dear Diary,

I ended things with Deji today. I cried, he cried. He said he’d wait for me, I pray he means it. I can’t imagine God having anyone better in store for me than Deji, but I have to trust God. Deji is a great person; I know he’ll be an awesome husband. I also know that I can’t love Deji with the love I’m supposed to love God with. I can’t be fulfilled that way, there is a void in my heart that even Deji can’t fill. What do I do now? Deji has become a part of my essence. God I’m choosing to trust in you, I need your comfort now more than ever.
Tuesday, the 31st of July. 5:50pm
Dear Diary,

I saw Deji today. He looked so handsome, I can’t believe he isn’t mine anymore. I’m sure that stalker-Veronica- will pounce like a lion now that I’m out of the picture. He looked sad too, I just wanted to wrap my arms around him. How do I know I’m doing what is right? My heart is troubled even though a part of me knows that I’m in God’s will. Every time I miss Deji I ask the Holy Spirit for comfort, I guess this is what God wants- to be the ultimate love of my life. <Sigh> trusting God is so not easy.
I think I understand why God wanted me to take a break from Deji. Over the past months, Deji has been my everything. God is a jealous God and he doesn’t want anyone to take his place in my life. And though it’s hard for me to imagine my life without Deji, I have to believe that God has only the best in store for me. Maybe this is a test, like God did with Abraham. Abraham received Isaac back right? So maybe I’ll get Deji back too.

First published on as Anita's Diary by Febby. Check out her other writing on the site.