Apart from the regular Dear Myne's, I get a lot of responses to my posts from readers of this blog, especially those who subscribe to receive it in their inbox. However, this response was so detailed I requested from the sender to post it here. She thinks I was being subjective in terming infidelity bad and promiscuity as reprehensible, since life is about different strokes for different folks. Well, read the response...
Dear Myne, I am a HUGE fan of your work.
I live in Lagos, Nigeria and look forward to your blog post every morning.
I'm a medical doctor and a consultant in family medicine with a masters in psychology.
I am 32, single and without kids.
I read ur post [on Necessary Infidelity] this morning and found most of the write-up on infidelity amusing, to say the least. I had a few reservations about this particular one that somewhat beat the usual, hence my urge to respond to your article today.
First, of all the views of the ardent follower that you brought out for us to read are very true and they are the realities we have been dealing with all over the world for many, many years...or even centuries.
And I have seen a few in my years of practice.
It is true that men have extra-marital affairs...
Women do too. And apparently, according to recent survey, the numbers are increasing exponentially.
So, as it stands, the implied deplorable moral 'law' in our society is being ripped to shreds.
That however begs a point:
Who makes these moral laws? Our culture? Religion? Or constitution?
It has been said, that some religious laws have penalties for sexual offenders...but I beg to say that such a law would only apply to the pple that are subject to such a law.
And d reason why it exists is to guide the conscience and way of life by certain prescribed rules made by the, say, higher body (goverment or other moral/religious leaders).
I believe in God and as a fact, I am a christian. However, if I break a jewish law, buddhist law or even an islamic law, I can't be judged by it because I don't believe in it, and am nt subscribed tot it (except where, ofcourse, it becomes state law...in which case, I would be subject to it by virtue of residency or work)
This I have said to stress a point: Moral law by which you charged that "infidelity is bad" is based on what precept? Who's moral law? The one created by your conscience? Ur culture or society?
Why would you judge "infidelity" wrong and say, gay relationships are ok?
We say a man has "stolen" because we have subscribed to a moral code that "stealing" is wrong. Otherwise it would just be "taking"...and that won't be wrong.
And the so called "moral code" has its foundation on some form of religious belief. The people of isreal "took" things freely and didn't feel it wrong. Not until, moses came wit the law that termed it as "stealing" and put a penalty to its being broken.
Which is good. Laws help us to maintain order and put checks to a certain sense of freedom that is actually guided by 'instinct'
This morning, I was listening to my favourite radio station when a certain topic was brought up. It said, "is it cheating if you aren't married"
Some said, "yes". Others said, "no"
Bt I believe it is an agreement any couple must come to. To set the rules for their relationship and what they feel is proper or hurtful.
At least, some pple practise open relationships and have been "happy" with it.
All in all, its an understanding the parties involved must come to.
If we abide by a religious code, good. But, don't judge me with your own set of rules.
Therefore, if its ok to be gay and date, it should be ok to be bisexual...and also should be ok to have sex with other people...when you are married...as even some religions subscribe to.
So far, as u arent breaking any vows...or set of laws/priciples you have made the foundation of your emotional institution.
Thank you, Myne.
You remain my inspiration.
N.B: by the way, #7 is true. 78% of "chronic" wife beaters do not have extra-marital affairs. While this is bad. It doesn't change it from being a fact.
"But let's not conflate issues." Lol!
So, I agree she's right on some of it, like a couple agreeing and coming to their own understanding of what works for them, but others, I don't agree like the correlation between beating and faithful husbands. I have asked for where she got the statistic, but she's yet to get back to me.
On marriage and infidelity, I still think it's wrong especially when the man has sworn in church to be faithful and maybe even promised the wife one-on-one that he's hers alone. The fact is that as much as some men think having extra-marital affairs is OK and adds zest to their marriage, most wives would beg to disagree. Some will fight the other woman, fight their husbands, cheat, be aggressive to their colleagues or children, or even go the diabolical route to get even. That betrayal is deep o.
As for the people who are still dating, unless they have specifically declared to be exclusive, the cheating is more up in the air.
What do you think?