Yesterday, someone sent me a link to a story on another blog and wanted me to weigh in. The conversation was essentially in two parts and I'll be discussing them as such. In this post is the angle about women who keep men who are interested in them waiting for long periods of time and then get annoyed when the men move on to someone else. Which brings me to the title of this post. Pride and Persistence.
A lot of us women have an innate pride and we exhibit this by wanting to make the men who show romantic interest in us prove that they really care in various ways. One way they can prove this is to hang around even when we push them away. We want them to be persistent.
I have nothing against self esteem and knowing your worth, but the problem in a relationship comes when one person uses it as an opportunity to play games and manipulate the other person. I believe in being honest and open, especially when there might be the chance of a romantic relationship. It is important in such situations to start building the blocks of communication from day one.
Most people usually know within three to four episodes of spending time with somebody whether they can see themselves in a romantic relationship with them. I'm not talking marriage yet. Just, can you see this yourself alone in a room with this guy? Can you imagine kissing him, having deep heartfelt conversations? If your answer is yes, then let that be on the table.
Don't let your pride get in the way of enjoying a genuine relationship. If you like a guy say so, and if you don't, let them know too, and let them go. If you choose to keep a man who has declared his feelings dangling for years, and he sticks around, there are several things that might happen;
- In his persistence, the guy may lose his sense of self-worth and which self respecting lady wants that? Worse, he may become a stalker.
- The lady develops genuine feelings for the guy, but she has presented this facade of herself that makes it impossible to be real thereafter.
- They get into a relationship but guy thinks he is second best and dumps the lady as a way to get back at her.
- The guy moves on, and because he has been spending so much time in the lady's social circle, he ends up with someone she knows and she is heartbroken.
None of these scenarios are one I would want to happen to anyone I know.
In the particular instance I read on the blog I was directed to, the toasting went on for two years. However, good things have a way of coming to an end when you do not nurture them. The guy moved on and the lady is unhappy that he moved on to her best friend.
Read the Complete Story - How could She?
The question then is, how long should a woman make a man wait before she accepts that he has proved his persistence?
Even I don't know the answer to that question and each person has to do what works for them. I do know however that for a person who declares their affections and intentions within one month, two years is a long time to wait. I don't think it's even advisable for the lady to keep her emotions in limbo for two years. If she really did not love the guy, she could have used that time to meet another guy who is more her specs.
Nobody wins in a toasting period that is strung out for years.
A toaster is usually a giver. He gives of his time, his affections, and possibly his wealth. He makes himself vulnerable. Most times, he is not playing games. Don't mock the toaster, don't toy with his heart. Don't just keep taking and expect the stream to keep flowing. A relationship is best when there's give and take and setting yourself as simply a taker from the beginning is a mark for failure. Also, allowing your pride to keep you on a pedestal just for pride sake is not healthy for a relationship.
The whole idea of friendships that go nowhere especially when one party has expressed romantic feelings benefits no one. You want the guy to continue spilling his guts to you in the name of persistence, and you reward his efforts by walling off your emotions?
I have found that sometimes, we fear that by sharing our inner feelings with a guy, we're opening ourselves to heart break, but really, how will you know when you don't try? When you string the other person along out of pride, fear, or with the idea of making him second best after a while, you're only cheating yourself.
The only way to bring realness into the relationship, and give it room to blossom is when you take the risk to share your genuine feelings, thoughts, and who you really with the other person. Then, if your personalities don't mesh, you can both go your separate ways sooner rather than later.
This is just what I think, but you may have a different opinion or experience. If so, I'd love to hear it. In a second post, I'll be discussing the issue of getting together with the exes of your friends. Stay Tuned.