Dear Myne - It is Difficult to have Sex with my Husband!

Hi Myne, I will really appreciate your help and that of your readers who I believe are very mature and experienced, and they are respectable too. The last is the reason I have the boldness to share this very sensitive issue with them, yes, please...I want this to be published on your blog in addition to your response too. I am at a crossroads and I am about to lose my mind.

I've been married for going a year now and yet I have not been able to have full relations with my husband. And before anyone goes off on the wrong bend, it is not a fault of my husband... he is willing, able and ready. Can I say the fault is mine? I don't know. I am in my twenties and I was a virgin when I got married to this guy that I really love...I am a Christian and had stuck to no sex (or anything) before marriage as I believed that saving myself for marriage was the better way.

My then fiancee, now husband agreed with me, he was a member in the church youth group and that was where we met...we courted for about a year before our wedding and both looked forward to having fun on our wedding night. It's now like we were both mistaken, and plain unrealistic. I don't want to blame our religion for this, but after almost a year, it is hard not to!

I recall when we went for pre-marriage counselling, the pastor just briefed over sex and just said we need to be on the same page. Since this issue started, I have only spoken to one married woman I admire in our church, and she couldn't even look at me as she mumbled that I should simply relax, and maybe I should make sure the lights are off.

It's also really hard for me when my friends and family ask when we intend to start a family, or close girlfriends tease me how as newlyweds we would be all over each other all the time, you know what I mean...I just want to cry because how can I tell then that we could not even do it. I just feel so alone, I could not even  tell my two best friends.

Maybe I should explain what my problem is. I'm sorry Myne, I hope this is OK to put on your blog. Put simply, my legs just keep closing, and the main part, my husband joked that it is padlocked. (I'm really lucky in this man, but I fear he will get tired of me one day.) He jokes about it, and even when I laugh, I don't find it really funny. During our honeymoon, we tried so many times in the first few days but by the end of the week I was just too sore so we stopped. Till today, my husband has not been able to enter me at all. I think part of the problem is that I'm so nervous from all the stories of pain I've always heard about the first time.

To combat this nervousness, what have we not tried? We attempt about once a week because I'm just so nervous and somedays my husband is too tired to even put in the effort to seduce me. But when we do try, we have used different kinds of lubricants and pain killers. One day, my husband even sneaked local ogogoro for me and got me drunk good and proper. That didn't husband said, I kept begging him not to do it and then cried myself to sleep afterwards.

Myne, I'm crying again now. What am I going to do, some of my friends that we all got married at the same time are already pregnant and I want some children of my own too! Again, I thank God that my husband is so patient and loves me as I am...he says we will pray and work it out together...that God that asked us to be virgins will see us through...but I'm beginning to get impatient and scared too. For how long do I expect him to be patient? And this is not fair to him at all. This is not what he signed up for, I know that.

I was so frustrated at a point that I told him that he could just annul our marriage or even find a girlfriend...oh yes I was at the end of my tether then! He said he never would cheat on me and that I should not mention it again...but that day was after another failed attempt and I just fell like I have lost all hope. You must understand that this is very frustrating because it's like I've waited all of my life to have sex and now that I am married I can't do it. I just feel like all my waiting has been all for nothing. Sorry, I'm rambling on but I just feel like I have no one else I can trust to talk to about this...I'm too ashamed to tell friends and family.

I have gone online to seek answers and have bought some books on Christain intimacy and yet, this problem remains. I heard of vaginismus and what are called spacers but I can't get those from here in Nigeria. And they sound so unchristian, how can I be putting something else down there? I don't even use tampons! This is so embarrassing but I just hope that someone reading has some practical advice. Thank you so much!


Well, here we are. I was thinking I would never get any more Dear Myne emails and then this one came in. I did a quick search and it seems this scenario is not so uncommon. I am really looking forward to hearing from you guys on how to save this loving marriage.