Love or Marriage - What are you Settling for?


A blog I usually frequent published a story recently which seems to have gone viral. In recounting a fictional tale of heartbreak and new beginnings titled If you call it ‘settling’, then yes, I have settled, a lady explains how even though her new boyfriend, now fiance does not 'get' her or give her butterflies, she was happy to be marrying him. Please read the excerpt below and let's discuss.


I’ll be getting married to Tayo. Tayo is born again. He doesn’t have the ready sweet words to speak. He doesn’t dress so nicely. He doesn’t get me or keep me excited. But in him, I’ve found peace and joy. Tayo would leave whatever he is doing if I need his help. He would ALWAYS drive down to the airport to pick me up when I come visiting him in Abuja. It would have been more convenient for him to have me take a cab. The day he offered to do that, I was surprised. Bode would NEVER do that. At his kindest, he’ll ask his driver to come get me. He’ll probably simply ask me to get a cab and he’ll pay. Tayo would never sleep until he has spoken with me, prayed with me and wished me a good night. With Bode, I’d be the one calling and calling.

Tayo has showed me that it is possible to have a good guy, a guy who cherishes and respects you and most importantly, loves God and puts Him first. His level of consideration towards me still baffles me. I never knew such was possible and this is why I shied away from a relationship with him initially.  It all seemed too good to be true. But it has been 11 months of courtship and he has remained the same steadfast, loving, caring man I first met.

As I walk down the aisle, I am sure my belly will not have butterflies in them but I’d walk down confident of the fact that I am placing my life in the hands of a good man. A man who takes instructions from God and passes them on to the home with love. A man who values family and togetherness and would put me before anything and anyone else. A man with whom I am sure I play second fiddle to no one but God. A man who would be a good role model to our children. A man who would stand by me no matter what happens in the home.

My mom has assured me that the sweeping love will come once the sex begins. Apparently, once you start sleeping with a man, the love grows. I look forward to it. But right now, I’m in a happy, content place.

I replied in the comments and said "settling into love is not a bad thing, but I think the attraction and compatibility has to be there too. If she’s already listing things the guy sucks at, believe me, those things will multiply after marriage due to the proximity." I also stated on HoneyDame's Let's settle this issue, that my view is that there's settling and there's settling. No one is perfect obviously but it is better to enter marriage caring deeply for the other person rather than being happy they treat you well.

This situation in the story sounds to me like someone on the rebound. She is settling for marriage instead of love and that is playing dice with one's future. And it seems like there's some pressure from the mother to get married. But if your husband doesn't "get" you, who will? You'll likely be spending majority of your time with this person, and you'll be taking major decisions with this person. If you're both not on the same page, how will your relationship work?

Sure, butterflies are not everything but physical attraction is very important. Indeed love grows as a couple has sex and more sex, but there needs to be a bedrock for you to want to do it in the first place and enjoy it.What a lot of young people who practice abstinence (full disclosure - my advocacy for abstinence is conditional on age and circumstance) don't want to think about is that sex the first few times can be clumsy and uncomfortable. What then? Where is the love going to come from?

I don't know but a marriage certificate does not love make.

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